Out of Step

~Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.  Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Two days ago I was  reunited by coinsidence with a relative I have not spoken to in 9 years.  I did not go look for him, he was simply there while I was visiting his mother-in-law. I sat at the table shared a cup of coffee and by a freak action my relative that I was visiting was called away from the kitchen. My lost relative asked” what has been happening to you?  Where have you been?”

I though for one minute and in the jovial spirit of being reunited  with him I told him:  ” I have been battling cancer and trying to live life to the fullest”.

“What kind of cancer?” He asked.  I told him.

” So, why are you telling me this? You want me to feel sorry for you?” He kind of spit out spitefully!

I did not know what to say, I looked at him and maintained a poised face. He started rambling about this and that but I did not pay much attention.

His mother-in-law walked in and the conversation turned in different direction.  After awhile when he determined that he could not get a rise out of me he left.

For 2 more hours I had to maintain a face of peace.  Inside the wheels of turmoil were turning.  She invited me to visit her garden, she was picking up some veggies for me when the tears silently were flowing.  I had huge sunglasses you really could not see what was happening.  All I kept saying in my mind was “God forgive him he does not know what he was saying!”

I left and while walking to the bus stop my tears silently flowed. I got on the bus and they could not stop gently slipping on to my face. The lady sitting next to me asked if I had allergies, I said yes! What else can I say to a stranger concerned why I was gently wiping my tears.

It was a nightmare those two hours of traveling back.  I finally got home where you feel safe and know no one can hurt you.  How can I let someone slip  into my conscious and hurt me so?  I did not feel this when there was loss of a loved one, I did not feel this when they told me my diagnosis.  But those words will haunt me  until the last of my days.  Do I want people to feel sorry for me to admit I have Cancer?

The last time I felt like this  was when I had just returned home from an long hospital stay and I went out to dinner with another couple. She asked me why was I in the hospital? My date of that evening told her.

” You don’t have Cancer! My next door neighbor has it! You should see how she looks!”

There! Twice in 7 years people have expressed this malicious way of questioning if I have cancer or if I’m looking for sympathy!

I do not question me! I question the humanity in them. I do not think I will be sharing anything again with people I am supposed to trust!

Thanks for visiting,

Solitaire

photo credit @fotoblur.com