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My Mother

I loved my mother, but my mother didn’t love me.

I wonder now that she’s here no more does she love me?

Today, it was my mother birthday, as a Buddhist I need to acknowledge her for giving me life, but do I honor her?

After a year of her passing I still question her philosophy on my existence…

She once told me that the reason she had a daughter was – to take care of her!-

She never acknowledged me as an individual nor my achievements, she only brought forth my downfalls… my lack of following tradition and having a husband or children. She wanted me to marry to be married.

Even when I brought home potential candidates she was so rude or would start arguments with my father. I used to feel so bad for my boyfriends! They always found excuses never to return or call me again!

Her life was for my brother! He married and divorced twice and had 4 children, he couldn’t do no wrong!

In the end to leave him all, she made a will disinheriting me therefore I would not be able to dispute her decision….

How little did she know me, why would I question her decision? It was her property to give to whoever she pleased.

I have yet to visit her at her burial site. It has been over a year…

I do not burn candles nor buy her flowers, not because she left me nothing. But because she showed me that I don’t matter in death also. who disinherits children? Were we estranged? Was her mind not the same as age crept up on her? Or was my brother so greedy that he wanted all and he had to give a message?

These are questions that have plagued not only me but also my younger brother- yes, he also was disinherited!

For her troubled soul

26 thoughts on “My Mother”

  8. My heart goes out to you, Solitaire. My father’s experience with his dad was similar to yours with your mom. His father left “One dollar to my ungrateful son.” My dad was far from ungrateful, and at 92 he’s still hurt by the unkind gesture. We don’t try to figure out why, since there was no reason for it. I remind my dad that his father’s hurtful choice was a reflection of the man’s nature (and unhappy life), and had nothing to do with him. Hugs, my friend. ❤

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  9. I feel for you, Solitaire. Thank you for sharing this post. There’s nothing I can say that doesn’t sound like a Facebook meme. We can never fully know the hearts of others, even those closest to us, but we can try to feel compassion for them and love ourselves. Wishing you healing and happiness.

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  10. Hello Hon, thought I would send you a message at your blog site instead of my blog. I feel a sisterhood to you. I too loved my mother, and she did not love me, or could not. The beginning of your words touched me deeply. However, I know that my mother did not love me as she told me so. I quit going to see her in 1992, she in Alabama, I in Wisconsin. She told me not to come back. That was 30 years ago, I never returned. I showed respect and thanked her for giving me life. I have grieved all of my life. I truely believe that we must forgive if we are to continue on in this life. It cannot be forgotten. I greatly appreciate your wonderful words. Elizabeth

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    1. Sometimes those who have left us with scars are the ones that should be forgotten not forgiven- for they are the ones that have missed the beautiful person we have become and by forgetting them it is the most insulting act a child can do to a parent. ❤️

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