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I Feel Like Someone Cancelled Summer on Me

Art by Helena Nelson Reed

In medieval times, moats were created around a castle to keep attackers away.

Sometimes they were deep trenches; sometimes times they were filled with water.

I may have created an emotional moat around some areas of my life to keep the hurt at bay.

I’m not admitting to something I really need to express and no one from the outside can come in and deepen the hurt, but none of that pent up energy can get out either.

I’m too afraid to open the drawbridge and express my feelings, my hurt, dissatisfaction of all that is bottling inside me.

I’ve learned to be careful who I open up to!

Only a few cared, the rest just wanted something to gossip about.

And then one day it happens…

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to accept the scars that have defaced my soul.

One day I woke up and I was in this place. I was in this place where everything felt right.

My heart was calm.

My soul was lit.

My thoughts were positive.

My vision clear.

I’m at peace.

At peace with where I’ve been, at peace with what I’ve been through and at peace with where I’m headed.

13 thoughts on “I Feel Like Someone Cancelled Summer on Me”

  1. Actually moats were open sewage pits. Can you image the constant stench ? These days far too many people have fallen into the trap of creating their own moats (sewage pits) through drug and alcohol addiction.

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  2. I’m 70 now. I have retained my shield and battlements but my drawbridge is in the down or open position more frequently now. I am very selective in the company I keep. After an absence of many decades I have returned to a comfortable and small Presbyterian church (the kind you see on Christmas cards) wherein lie my roots. I have returned to the fraternal lodge and its moral teachings into which I was initiated almost five decades ago. Most important clean and sober 17+ years. Recrafted, redesigned , a return to sanity, wholesome environment and confidant.

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  4. A moat is a perfect metaphor, as is the drawbridge. I actually don’t believe that our souls are ever sullied or damaged. Only that we believe they are. We sink them into the muck, let others bury them, and then we see only the coating of mud. But then one day we get out the garden hose and rinse the brown ick away, revealing what was there all along only hidden from view – a beautiful soul. ❤

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  5. I need a moat to help keep me protected from myself. I have this, well this kind thing about me, I try to be kind and nice to everyone, even the ones that will never accept it. It is forever biting and cause deep hurt when my good intentions are misled as bad. My husband always says, when are you going to learn?!? It is so frustrating, I can not, not be kind. Its in my soul. But putting up a moat might just help keep me from being me!! But can I do it is the question. I am at peace with my life, but I keep adding to the hurt by trying to be kind to the wrong people, maybe I am a “glutton for punishment”, a saying my mother used to define who I was years ago. I love how your post bring my mind alive. XX

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