But… I’m dissapointed in my choice of friends! Yes friends that you build lifelong ties, friends that know everything about you that you know you have to keep as friends or your secretes will be out!
In the past six months my emotions were frozen, my mind was distressed and lonliness brought about bouts of depression. When these occurences would happen I would reach out to my few friends and they would listen to my ravings…
Taking their advice I started therapy and soon in a short time I felt better and relieved that there was a place to go to unburden this heavy weight of “ominous” thoughts. I started to move on, I started to smell the roses, hug the trees and let my spirit heal in the summer sun.
When I started calling friends to tell them how wonderful I’m feeling and reconnecting with life… no one is answering the phone, the messages are left but no one called back! Maybe one, who is vacationing missed my message due to her voice mail being full, or maybe the other had a power failure and the message was erased, or, or, …
Who am I kidding! I guess they are afraid of listening to me and telling me how angry I sound or what? I don’t know! I really don’t know! This reminds me of someone who receives a voicemail telling you they broke up with you and they wonder ‘ what did I do?’
What did I do? Did I trust you too much and just spilled my guts thinking you will understand, you are my friend I don’t need to guard my voice or my thoughts or what? Should I have thought before speaking? Should have bit my lip before saying something I’m going to regret? Is this why no one calls to invite me to go somewhere or dinner with their family?
The calls before my depression were just conversations, information, I did this I did that, now there’s silence…
After recalling it, I just realized when my alones started, it was when everyone called, texed, e-mailed but they never came over spontaneously for a drink or dinner, they never invited me to go with them to their home or share their activities. They had seen my depression and slowly started to push me away. But why the pretence? They should have let go and not slowly linger and then nothing!
Who can understand such actions? Why ponder on it? Maybe I’m flawed, but if you are my friend don’t you accept me even when my madness is present?
Is it madness to ask for love?
Is it madness to be different?
Is it madness to be accepted just as I am?
“I always liked the time before dawn because there’s no one around to remind me who I’m supposed to be, so it’s easier to remember who I am.”
Well my friends the wind of change has brought about a change so painful and so soul searching it actually frightens me to the core of my soul. All that I was is in question and if that is the case then…
-I am nothing that I was
I was a lie
I was a void filled with emptiness
All gone, all gone Am I-